I remember this night like it was last night. So crisp and clear in my mind now, but at the time I was a mess of tears, hopelessness and loss. The story I'm about to tell you is the defining moment when I realized I am the only one who makes my destiny and controls my attitude.
January 23rd, 2011:
A cold, dark, cloudy Sunday night in Cle Elum, Washington. Snow lay on the ground and the air was hard to take in due to how cold it was. Rick and I sit in my car, silent yet holding hands; the vents blasting out hot air. Earlier in the day, he had told me the he was at his last option of getting an education and out of Cle Elum. He was going to join the Navy as soon as he could. A steady pay check + school paid for + travelling the world = an offer he couldn't pass up.
At the time, you have to understand that I didn't understand. We had been dating for four years by that time, why would we chose to not be able to talk to each other for a long period of time, let alone see each other. A few month earlier I had turned 19 and not even a year earlier had a graduated high school. Now this was going to be the make-it-or-break-it for Rick and I and our relationship. We had a lot to think about. So sitting in that car, silent, with the winter cold outside and the hot, dry air inside, made the seconds seem to go by in slow motion.
I had to get over Snoqualmie Pass before it got too late since I had college in Bellevue the next day and I couldn't find the words I wanted to day to him. I was struggling between being optimistic and angry... And confused (typical girl, right?). I choked back my tears that had been lingering there for a couple hours and said my "I'll see you next weekend" phrase that I almost couldn't get out. He just looked at me with a small smile that I saw a little sadness in as well. We exchanged our "I love you"'s and watched him walk in to the house. I pulled out of his driveway and left for the longest week I've ever been in.
I was living with my grandparents (on my mom's side) at the time and as I drove the sixty miles over the pass to their house, I kept thinking how I was supposed to act "normal" for the next week. It was around 10:30 pm and as I pulled into their driveway, I found the lights were on in the kitchen with Grandma Janice and Grandpa Pete at the kitchen counter watching Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. I gave a thoughtful smile knowing that they had stayed up a little later than usual to see me home. I was welcomed at the door with a, "Are you hungry? I can cook you up some chicken or we have this fabulous homemade soup!" from Grandma Janice.
Grandma Janice has this way about her that can get you to talk even when you don't think you can. She gives you a look. A look that I can't describe, but can get you to talk.
The week ahead was a rough one. It was almost like the winter's cold had begun to run through my veins. Thursday hit and I was an emotional wreck. I wasn't hungry, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't help but to pout around; it was disgusting looking back at it. That night, I sat downstairs staring deep into the television when Grandma came down. She sat right down next to me, patted my knee and gave me that look.
I spilled. No, more than spill... I erupted. In fact, I can't even recall a quarter of what I said. I blubbered out my emotions, all of them, at once.
This is where the tide turned. After minutes of my whining and saying who-knows-what, she gave me a faint smile and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a dreamcatcher. "Life will never be easy, Kassi. There will be things in the years to come that will make you want to fall to your knees and never want to get back up, but you will. You will make it out just fine. You're gonna look back on this and laugh, young lady. You're a fighter," she said. She went on to describe why she brought the dreamcatcher was to ware off bad dreams.
I will never forget what she said. It's been a reminder to me in many instances over the year that times may seem shitty, but that doesn't mean that it will remain that way. I can proudly say that I've weathered months apart from the man I love and come out stronger than I had before. I can persevere. We can persevere.
My grandmother has seen and been through it all. She still the strongest person I know and it's an honor to be apart of her. I can only hope to be as hip as she is when I'm in my 70's. I'll write more about her later on, I can assure you.
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